hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
