i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
