so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
