sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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