my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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