Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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