You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just found puke in my bra..
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
