Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
