There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
