He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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