What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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