peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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