When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
