My brain says no but my pants say off.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
