Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
