Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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