I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
