It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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