In America we eat man semen.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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