He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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