After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
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