My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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