fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
