That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
