Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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