if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
