Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He called his prostate his "boner button".
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
