I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
