turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
