I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I could make wine with my vomit
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
