i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
