Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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