i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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