you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize