i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
