A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
