I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
