So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize