The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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