Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think your dad took our porno
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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