As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
