that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
