Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
