I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
