Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
