he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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