Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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