I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
