If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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