Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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