you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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