Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
