I wish I only lived at night.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
