I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
