I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
