if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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