You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
