Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
