I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
