Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
