Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
