The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I want a musical about memes.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
