i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
