dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
