I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
