I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize