Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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