Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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