The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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