That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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