alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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