Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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