This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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